Monday, January 25, 2010

Self Assessment 2009 - AKA: My Mad Skillz

Each year before our annual reviews, my company asks its employees to fill out a "Talent Survey" to assess our individual talents and weaknesses. After filling mine out this morning, I noticed there was a VAST disparity between what I wanted to say and what I actually said. See for yourself: [What I should have said will be in brackets with italics. What I actually said is in bold print]

Sales and Negotiation Skills
I have minimal sales and negotiating skills [because you have me shoved upstairs in a cubicle that doesn't have a window, much less, access to an actual living, breathing customer] . I’ve never had to negotiate a deal with a customer or try and sell a product [and I'm completely fine with that because I have no desire to further my career at this institution.]

Credit Skills
After three [hateful, painful, deplorable, miserable, etc...] years in the credit department, I’m finally comfortable with my credit skills. I think I sometimes miss ‘big picture’ problems [because I don't care] but I have improved in knowing what kinds of questions to ask myself [such as: why am I still working here? What is the quickest way out of this hell hole? How can I minimize my efforts without being noticed?]as well as the lender [not that it matters because they don't answer the questions I ask anyways]. Analyzing the balance sheet is probably my biggest weakness [again, because I don't care].

Administrative Skills
I am comfortable with a variety of administrative tasks [because my IQ is higher than 50] including but not limited to filing [booooorrrrring], file review [when lenders are too lazy to do it themselves], ordering UCCs and credit reports, and cooperating with assistants and documentation specialists when necessary, [and showing up to work even when it makes me physically sick to think about sitting in an office for 8 hours, and dealing with asshole lenders, and showing up on time which is more than I can say for my coworkers].

Network Skills (side note: I had to ask my supervisor what was meant by 'network.' Was it 'networking' or like our actual computer network? He laughed and said just answer both. He obviously cares about this survey just as much, if not less, than I do.)
I am able to use our system to its full potential [again, because my IQ is higher than 50], and I have mastered the art [and yes, it is an art] of creating a proposal, spreading financial statements, and incorporating other Microsoft Office applications [even though it doesn't matter because the people who turn in the most hacked-up shitty proposal copies are praised up and down for their good work]. I enjoy networking with other lenders [only the non-douchebag ones, which severely limits my choices] and clients whenever possible [preferably at a bar where someone else is picking up the tab, although that never happens because our bank is poor now] although my experience with business networking is limited [because I don't care. However, I am pretty adept at social networking even though you choose to block facebook from me].

Other Skills
[Compared to the other idiots in my department] I have a firm grasp on the English language and I am able to review my colleagues’ work for misspellings and improper grammar usage. Although this may seem unnecessary [and everyone bitches about it], it makes our work appear more polished and professional [and saves our bank from looking like it's run by a bunch of incompetent rednecks. And it makes me feel smarter than my co-workers.].

I have a very very strong desire to replace the 's' for a 'z' at the end of Skills (skillz)... too much? Or just right?


Melissa said...

This is hysterical, by the way. I know you hate your job but it does create some pretty entertaining blogging material!

Anonymous said...

Pomegranate arils are sweet and juicy and burst in your mouth (why does that sound so dirty...?). They have a bit of a seed inside which provides a little bit of chewy texture. This is only the second time I've bought them, so I'm not sure how to pick one out! I just picked ones that looked fresh. This post is hilarious by the way, you have such a way with words!!

Carrie said...

I just have to say that 2 years ago I asked our boss the same questions about "networking". Too Funny!